This Little Light of Mine

Last Updated on September 13, 2022 by Jason Harris

Healing From Narcissistic Abuse

The past few years, one of the biggest keys I am learning to heal from narcissistic abuse is to recognize and embrace the light that resides within me. The unique self that I have. I believe this is true of each of us. The crux of narcissistic abuse is the de-selfing of another human being… just as the narcissist or narcissistic institution is also de-selfed. Emotional and spiritual rape.

The Energy We Radiate

I believe other than some individuals with severe psychopathy we each have the capacity to radiate radical compassion, energy and love. And this is only possible because each of us ARE imperfect! This energy is there inside each of us… in our own unique way, timber and tone. As I fully embrace every part of myself in compassion and love, including the parts that have been shamed and shunned (by myself… sometimes due to earlier experiences in life)… what emerges is also radical compassion and love. For myself AND for others when I choose. A warm and loving light. But it first starts with embracing everything within.

Energy Vampires

Counterintuitive… paradoxical… yet this is precisely why the narcissist IS the narcissist. They create a false image of themselves… a shell… an illusion… fully shunning the parts they are ashamed of from consciousness. And they become energy vampires… in constant need of supply… because there is no internal light powering them from within… So many colors of their light have been shunned by themselves (often as a result of earlier abuse)… that there is nothing left to shine. This is true not only of individuals, but narcissistic institutions as well. Institutions that hide their most shameful parts from view as much as possible… projecting false images of perfection and power.

Can There Be Healing?

Can there be healing? Of course… but only in facing and embracing all aspects of myself. I believe this is true for each of us. Most true-blue narcissists are so wrapped up in a shell of shame maintaining an illusory self that they never can face these most shameful aspects of themselves… thus no true self-love… no true self-authenticity… and no true healing. But this DOESN’T have to be true of narcissistic victims.

Embracing My Light, My Inner Self

Of course, when we are each younger… none of us yet fully embrace and thus can fully radiate our own light. We are dependent on others… Over time though, a natural part of maturation is that we carry our own light… Like the biblical virgins with extra oil in their lamps… we can continue to have light.

I am increasingly learning to value and let my own internal light radiate and shine… when and HOW I choose. And for that to happen… I have to be adequately caring for it as well. Adequate self-care. Sleep, exercise, diet, boundaries, etc.

And also… I don’t HAVE to radiate and shine… It is also often healthy to dim my inner light, particularly when my energy reserves are down… and bask and take comfort in the dim and comforting reassurance and solidity of its ever-inner presence that is there to supply me. I decide when and how my light will be used. We all do and can.

My Inner Well

One of my favorite exercises is to listen to and feel my heart beating within my chest as well as my breathing as I fall asleep, 20-30 minutes sometimes… they gently lull me to sleep. I used to send love from my mind and emotions to each part of my body… but more recently, I have recognized the tremendous love and compassion every part of my body has for my mind… and for my emotions. These are a source of deep compassion and love. I’m thankful for my heart… that consistently beats… for my lungs, my digestive system, etc. These are my faithful companions working constantly to serve me. To love me. Unconditionally. As much as they can. Deep wells of love and compassion.

I don’t have the opportunity to connect intimately with these parts with any other person to the degree that I do with myself. NONE of us do…. Yet I believe we are each already filled with tremendous wells of love and compassion… that we can draw from and receive if we choose… welling from within ourselves… to ourselves. Keeping us alive every minute. Every second.

Love and grace.

This Little Light of Mine

This little light of mine. I’m letting it shine. And sometimes I’m not… Sometimes that shine is reserved just to strengthen myself… just for myself to draw upon. And that is perfectly healthy and fine too.

The funny thing about white light…. it’s actually a combination of EVERY color of light. To be able to emanate my fullest, whitest, most loving light… an energy that uplifts and restores and builds (to myself and also to others)… A light not dependent on any other light to shine… EVERY color of light within myself needs to be present and embraced in that light. Authenticity. Honesty. Me facing and embracing all of me.

Not Perfect. But REAL. And THEREIN resides the paradoxical perfection…

All of me.

I think Jesus may have said something similar… a message of radical grace and love… the byproduct:

“… in [us] a well of water springing up into everlasting life.”

John 4:14, KJV

Bet you thought I was gonna quote him saying something about letting our light shine or something like that huh!?! 😉

Jason Harris lived as an orthodox Mormon for forty years. He writes about his experiences leaving the Mormon Church and reconstructing a new World-View. He believes all religions and scripture are man-made, potentially helpful and harmful. He believes there is Divinity in all of them and everywhere.