Last Updated on June 24, 2022 by Jason Harris
You told me you were God. To trust you. After all, you have God’s name. You have the keys of my salvation. Listen to you. You will never lead me astray. In loving company of friends and loved ones I covenanted with you. Though only at that moment did I realize what would be required, I promised to give you everything, I guess as any good spouse would. For years you assured me that I was your only love. The apple of your eye. Then I found out you had another. And another. And another ad nauseum. Yet when approached, you denied. The evidence was clear, yet you denied. And I believed. I must be the one going crazy.
Your bounds and godship knew no ends. In you resided the royal line. Exaltation for you and all your kin. All I had to do was agree. Your ability to save me and our children depended on me submitting my will. My mind. My heart. So I succumbed. After all, you have God’s name. I love our children. I will listen and obey.
The story of your divinity you would often retell. But often with changes in the storyline. And I still believed because you told me I must be the one going crazy when I questioned. They tell me you are true and good. It must be me that is going crazy. You are so good.
Divine inspiration you gave me. It filled my soul. Our relationship is divine! These words weren’t yours? You were quoting others? But I thought you were God. This can not be. You are God. It must be me that is going crazy.
I had friends that I wanted to invite into our home. But you said no. They are not beautiful and white like me. Feeling guilty at the exclusion, yet flattered by your love, I obey. You are God. I will obey.
For years, some of my friends told me I was being abused. That you aren’t God. That it is a lie. That you have been telling me lies for all of these years. But I know better. You are God. You have his name.
And now you tell me reluctantly that some of these “lies” were lies? I investigate further. Crushed. And you are still minimizing, still deceiving? You have been deceiving me all along? All along!?! But I gave you everything!!! And the more I study, the more I discover there is so much more you have lied about. Often knowingly. A foundation of deception. But often you do not even seem to know when you have lied. Because everything you say is “the truth.” I approach you about it, and you tell me I am wicked. Why do I still doubt your word, you say?!? You are God. It is me that lacks faith. I must not doubt. You will divorce me. I will not, cannot live without you. You are God. Can God lie? You are God. You know you are God.
But not my God.
Yet even now I am scared to share what I see outside of our walls. Scared to betray my loyalty. Because I am loyal. And despite it all, I still love you. I have given everything to you even though I now see you are not my God.
Why do I still feel like I am going crazy?
I don’t know if I am ready for this. I am scared. And still in fear of you, and many of my friends and loved ones, I push “Post.”
Am I just seeking attention, healing, understanding, expressing my anger? My grief? My sorrow? My sense of having been betrayed? I don’t know.
It must be me that is crazy. Must just be my black and white thinking. My inability to forgive. Yes, I am to blame.
( I wrote this in February of 2018. The night I wrote this, I realized I could never go back.)
Jason Harris lived as an orthodox Mormon for forty years. He writes about his experiences leaving the Mormon Church and reconstructing a new World-View. He believes all religions and scripture are man-made, potentially helpful and harmful. He believes there is Divinity in all of them and everywhere.